Oh, Why Star Trek Y?

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The other night I was squirming in my seat at the movie theater. It was at the behest of people whose judgment I trusted.

“You’ve got to see it,” one friend told me. “You won’t regret it.”

“It made me cry,” said another.

“Its better then the original,” I was told by many others.

Even though they meant well, I shall never trust them again. I should have known. My instincts never let me down. To put it bluntly, as far as I’m concerned the new Star Trek movie sucks. Yes I admit it, I am a purist. The original cast or nothing, hence there is nothing very positive I can say about this new incarnation or should I say abomination. Director, JJ Abrams is the culprit. The name itself should have scared me away. His tedious and pretentious TV show, ‘Lost’ was completely lost on me as was the plot in this film. The weak and convoluted writing is ably unsupported by dubious acting. But that’s okay you just douse the obvious flaws with unwarranted action and loud sound effects and no one will hopefully notice. In this, Abrams succeeds dutifully. The special effects are very impressive and JJ manages to splash as much of his creative semen on screen to make sure that Gene Roddenberry’s once beloved brain child is now his baby. 

Unfortunately, all the impressive pyrotechnics started wearing off on me as soon as the young, rebellious Jim Kirk started taking charge. Chris Pine is no William Shatner. His character starts off totally full of himself only to end up so bloated that there is barely enough room for both him and his ego on screen.

Yes, the original Kirk displayed a certain amount of arrogance and swagger, but he also backed that up with intelligence, charisma, charm and wit. This snotty nosed up-start’s idea of leadership is using brawn first and brains never. His character spectacularly fails to take a good look at himself and only becomes more egotistical and self obsessed. Talk about getting the top job for all the wrong reasons.  

Zachary Quinto’s Mr. Spock loses his cool on more than one occasion and even more bizarre, makes out with the hot and sassy Lt. Uhura. For those of you who are not familiar with Trek lore this is totally illogical. Spock’s early years were spent rigidly avoiding all emotions to prove to his Vulcan buddies that his green blood was only headed in one direction. His cerebral cortex. Speaking of which, upon seeing Leonard Nimoy reprising his famous role I couldn’t help but notice a certain lack of clarity in his eyes. He also seemed to have problems recognizing his oldyoung friends.

“You are Jim aren’t you…and you are…Mr. Scott…right…mm…and who am I?”

Near the end of the movie he meets his younger self, offers nothing insightful and presumably goes off to feed the pigeons looking more dead than when he carked it in the far superior Star Trek II.

Then there is the rest of the crew.

Karl Urban does a commendable job as the crusty Dr McCoy, but is robbed by the script, which never really capitalizes on the intellectual sparring matches between his emotional rhetoric and Spock’s stoic, calculated logic. The young Bones is probably aware that the Vulcan is suffering from a severe case of VMT and doesn’t want to incite another violent temper tantrum. Oh, the irony of it all.

Scotty is played by comedian, Simon Pegg. The chief engineer’s cantankerous Scottish brogue is replaced by a goofy and contrived stand up routine from hell.

John Cho’s Mr. Sulu just relies on the fact that he has an Asian face and can stereotypically wield a martial arts sword.

Playing seventeen-year-old Mr. Chekov is Anton Yelchin. He is twice given temporary command of the Enterprise, which makes you wonder what kind of shallow talent pool the Federation is dredging from. It’s like giving a learner driver the keys to a formula one racing car.

Lt. Uhura is given a hot makeover by Zoe Saldana. She wants it both ways. Respect for her abilities and an acknowledgement that her body can get her anything she wants. For instance, Spock is pussy-whipped into submission when she demands a spot on the Enterprise.

Rounding off the main cast is Aussie actor Eric Bana. Clad in Romulan regalia and pointy ears, like Kirk, he just plays it angry or is it just bad constipation? His considerable acting chops are sadly wasted.

All in all what I say here doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. Just ask JJ Abrams. His reboot earned in excess of 76 million dollars on its opening weekend and is still going strong. Most baffling to me is that it is getting rave reviews. I wonder, is it because it is aimed at the Y Generation? The new Kirk seems to exemplify them perfectly. Shoot first and ask questions later. Exchange humanity for detached cleverness. Offer your enemy the choice to surrender, but only as a token gesture. The neo-conservatives would love it and maybe the once wise minded Trekkies of old are being shamed into liking it, lest they be called un-cool by their children. Not me!