The Final Verdict on Return to the House on Haunted Hill

I’ve already complained about the futility of sequels, so I’m just going to jump right into the review by saying that when a movie throws a large number of obligatory sex scenes into the first ten minutes of a movie, it is a cry for help. They are admitting that their plot isn’t strong enough to carry you, so they lure you along with the promise of sex.

The very first post-opening credits shot was of a girl walking out of a shower, draped in a towel. Shortly after that, we get an obligatory model photo shoot scene, with an equally obligatory dressing room shot of a fully naked girl. Neither of these shots have anything to do with the plot. Shortly after we see a man giving a lecture, and we think things are going to get mature, but in that next shot the man is banging one of his fans on an office desk.

Things went downhill from there.

The story is about two groups, who (because I didn’t have the energy to give a crap about names) I’ll call the goodies and the baddies. The main female goody’s sister was killed the main male baddy, because both groups are after some irrelevant idol called the Bathomet idol or something like that. The baddies kidnap the goodies and force them to return to the place where that rare artifact is stored: the House on Haunted Hill.

Now I’m not going to say this movie didn’t have scary scenes. The first overtly scary scene came earlier than I expected and it scared the heck out of me. But after that, I couldn’t stop laughing at the campy stuff long enough to truly appreciate the horror film. Particularly during a lesbian three-way between one of the female baddies and two straight-jacket clad ghosts. After a small, not even remotely arousing light bondage orgy, they become gruesome ghosts and the girl has her face literally cut off. No, not her head: her face.

And there was one scene where I could not stop laughing. One of the tolerable baddies (who one of the goodies apparently knew and respected as a former fighting champion), was torn apart by ghostly sheets. After his body literally explodes in front of this goody, there is a palpable pause before the goody starts screaming like a frightened moron. It was almost as if he had missed his cue and somebody off-screen was hissing at him to start screaming: it was that bad. There is a full ten seconds before he starts!

Now I have to give one scene credit for making me laugh when it was supposed to. During a weird phenomena, everyone’s cell phones begin ringing. They’re all normal ring except one of the goodies who’s ringtone is “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. That was cute.

Another thing that impressed me in a somewhat morbid way was that this film did have a couple rather imaginative death scenes. I’m not one for gore, but at least it’s not the same cookie cutter shit. I guess you could call this a Supernatural Saw, in that they find some creative ways to kill people.

Oh, and without spoiling the plot, let’s just say that the last few moments of the film are directly stolen from Return of the King. Finally I want to applaud this film for having the poetic realization that like the first film (the prequel to this one, not the Vincent Price version) only two people are allowed to survive the night in the House on Haunted Hill.

So, the final verdict is…you can live without seeing this film. (4/10)