I Need a Drink After Watching Confessions of a Shopaholic

I confess that I intentionally drove to the wrong theater.  Twice.  I knew what movie she wanted to see.  I knew which theater was showing the movie.  In my defense, I blamed my disorientation on some new medication I was taking.  It almost worked.

I’m convinced seeing “Confessions of a Shopaholic” was payback for taking my wife to see “Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy.”  I knew I was in trouble when I took her to the movie version of a book I had read.  It was simply her condition of “…at a time and place of my choosing,” that I never thought would materialize into having to watch “Confessions.” 

She had read “Confessions” when it first came out.  She had recommended the book to dozens of friends.  She had collected the sequels and committed herself to reading them on her next vacation.  I thought nothing of it, really.  I thought her purpose for recommending the book to friends would get me off the hook from having to go see the movie when it hit theaters.  She might schedule a “Girls’ Night Out,” inviting her pals to the screening.  We moved away from those friends of hers. 

I ended up on the hook.  I do wish she had more friends.

I knew a bit about the “Confession,” series.  My wife would tell friends some vignettes from the books.  She bought copies for her daughters.  It was all about sharing.  Her attempt was to remind herself, her friends and her daughters about the funny search and rescue operations conducted during shopping sprees in days gone by.  Somehow the “Confession” series was meant to emulate that raucous time in their lives.

After watching “Confessions,” I didn’t see it.

What I did see was that Julie Hagerty hasn’t missed a step in her comedic development from when I first saw her in “Airplane” nearly 30 years ago.  She still has that inquisitive look on her face that never quite goes away even after she’s been given the answer she seeks.  Joan Cusack, John Goodman, and John Lithgow – They had very little opportunity to show their chops in this movie.  They merely played the supporting roles to the Confessor, Isla Fisher.  She’s a pretty enough face, but I wouldn’t follow her career like I’d follow a Streep or a Jollie. 

It’s also not Fisher’s fault that this movie will keep getting panned.  There are so many other reasons this movie is bad.  We could start with the idea that movies are meant as a form of escapism and “Confessions,” reopens some recent nasty economic wounds.  The book came out in 2000.  There were bound to be some changes in the world since then.

The real crime is that this movie is promoted as a “chick flick.”  It’s far from it.  I felt I was screening a movie in a film course.  I convinced myself after the first half hour that there would not be a quiz at the end of the movie.  However, I did quiz myself because there was hardly any laughter in the theater.  That could have been because the 300+ seat auditorium had 6 customers at the prime time showing.  Why was this?

After a brief break from writing this, I thought why even bother explaining.  Seriously, once you’ve read far enough into this review to find that the movie is bad, you don’t really care why it’s bad – you’re just thankful that someone didn’t coral you into spending $18.00 to see this film.  You’re grateful that the economy is bad right now.  You’re happy that your “Man Card” won’t get punched with this dribble.

For all the guys out there that now don’t have to see this film, you have me to thank.  As desperately as I tried to avoid seeing this train wreck, as many wrong turns as I made on the way to the theater, as many stalling tactics I attempted, I was still roped into viewing this mess.

Now, for the current dating crowd, there is still the chance you’ll be seeing this movie.  I suggest plenty of warning and lead time.  Ask which movie they were thinking of seeing next.  Make this request more than a week out from the intended movie date.  Viruses normally take a few days to take hold in the human body.  It’s really you’re only defense.