The Trouble with Today: Theater Etiquette

It physically pains me to attend a movie showing these days. The sheer amount of money I am expected to dish out has reached the borderline of criminal. And this is just figuring the costs of seeing a film that has not been shot in 3D or shown in an IMAX theater room.

Considering this, when I hand over twelve dollars to view a film, I expect everything else to go perfectly. I find I am hard pressed to find another consumer who disagrees with me on this point, so why do so many people out there seem set on destroying the movie going experience?

Let me elaborate on this, and touch upon a problem that I am sure has been around since the start of the nickelodeons: Fellow viewers who are just plain rude.

In my most recent venture to the theater, I was attending the premiere of a horror film. Now, this is the one genre I generally enjoy a crowd in. I have fond memories as a young teen of the sound of an entire theater shrieking in terror together, quickly followed by nervous laughter. It was a fun atmosphere to be in. Recently however, I find I hear more chatter than screams. Not to mention the influx of children that suddenly arrived five minutes before the movie’s start.

I am often quite relaxed about these matters, as I find it understandable that sometimes parents may not have been able to find a sitter and just want a nice night out with the family. That is fine; I tolerate noisy children without resentment when I see a family picture. It is when I see a toddler being carried up the stadium steps of an R-rated film that I find myself in disbelief.

On this particular occasion, there was a family of four on my left, and a family of three just below me. Now, the latter I begrudgingly had to accept. The young girl would clearly be unaware of what was happening in the feature and could only be scared by the loud noises at most. Of the family on my left however, I felt absolutely horrified. The son and daughter present looked to be between the ages of four and six. These are children who are fully aware of their surroundings, and can comprehend on some level that the girl with no pants on who was just grinding against her boyfriend on the forest floor is now having her throat slit.

“But you said this was Scooby Doo, mom.”

I was mortified for these children, as these are things I myself am uncomfortable viewing at times. This is even ignoring the fact that the movie was just riddled with vulgar language. Why would the parents deem this acceptable for their children’s eyes? If you can’t find a sitter and are forced to bring the little tykes along, perhaps you can find a more acceptable place for your family outing.  

Another piece of advice, if you are expecting an important call or text, how about you don’t buy a ticket to a two hour film?

This is a more recent problem I’ve had in visiting the theater, but it is increasing quite rapidly from what I can see. And trust me, I can see.

I just paid twelve dollars to watch an hour and a half of footage, so if I want to climb the steps to the top row of seats and feel like a queen looking down on her subjects, I will.

“Bow before your ruler.”

However, this means I can see you. At the very same night of the horror movie, I counted seven glowing lights in the crowd below me. This is just unbelievably inconsiderate, especially when you know you are in a crowded theater on a premiere night (though I never condone it on any night).

‘What could they possibly be doing?’ I always wonder to myself.

Well, this night I found out. The mother with the toddler in front of me pulled out her smart phone about halfway through the film.

‘Maybe she has an app to stop her daughter from throwing her sippy-cup down the stairs again.’ I silently prayed.

Nope, she was checking her Facebook page. And she did so three more times before the movie was over. All I can say is thank God she did, because she might have missed Mikey J. ‘liking’ her status.

These things puzzle me more than anger me. Did she not pay the same exorbitant amount of money as I did to be there?

Whatever the reasoning of you people who commit these tremendously annoying deeds, I can only beg on the behalf of everyone else in the theater around you:

Please stop.