The Nightmares of a First-Time Movie Reviewer

That day I was going  the discussion threads on a site which boasts itself to be the ‘Most Awarded Movie Website In The World’. What struck me was the way people were divided into factions when it came to having viewpoints. There are some who seem to be ever loyal to their favorite movie as if they had taken a vow of “I do” and make it a point to defend it against seemingly manical people who seem to start every sentence with “What the *beep* is so great about this movie?” and stuff like that. Thats when I realized that these threads are not for healthy disussions but just a vent to a day where your boss yelled at you or your girlfriend was seen kissing another guy. If that is the case with the discussion threads, the case of movie reviews is even worse. The comments right below a movie review range anywhere from people hailing you as the next best thing to happen to cinema, to people who would like to go back in time and castrate your father who inflicted this horrible virus upon the world. So here’s what I guess a first-time movie reviewer would go , before he clicks the ‘Publish’ button on his computer.

1. Why didn’t I get a better score in my SATs so that I could be doing something more important some place else? Oh yes, I was up all night before the exams with my B-Grade movie marathon and pop corn.
2. My dad wanted me to know all the gruelling things that he went  in Vietnam. Hey you crackpot, may you rest in peace, but couldn’t you done that by words, rather than making me watch every movie that has just the word ‘war’ uttered in it?
3.  Why didn’t I win even a single nomination for any of the short films that I shot? Well, maybe thats because I’m destined for bigger things, maybe become the next Edward Wood!
4.  Why can’t I just sell some of my dad’s war stuff on e-bay and live on that money for a while? Be reasonable, he was a man who wrote, “Whoever may possess this, except my son, shall rot in hell!” Well, ‘Know your audience’. Thats one thing that I learnt from dad.
5. Does this movie that I’m about to review have any chance of becoming a cult classic later on? I don’t want people returning to this page after years to mock me after I’m long gone.
6. The pen name “Rodger Eburt” does seem a bit corny but atleast it will take some of the hate off me, atleast momentarily till they realize that I’m an imposter.

Finally, after after seemingly aeons of profound thought, I have reached a point of no return.

1. Alright, I will just write this review, publish it and bring my girlfriend home, so that I atleast have a soothing soul to be there with me as I read the scathing comments. Sounds great. But, the last one I had, the albino girl, left me saying she didn’t want to go out with a guy who takes notes during a movie instead of holding her hands. So, the whole ‘soothing soul’ thing’s into the drain.
2.  The best thing to do would be to hit a pub and have a few shots of Tequila, the best antidote to fear. No, can’t do that too. I don’t want to throw up and have the bouncers ‘flick’ me out.
3.  I will just unplug my computer wires after publishing this review or I cant control my OCD of having to look at the comments. No can’t do that too, after nearly an year of trying to find a date online I bet today is my lucky day.

I’d better leave all this mental agony to the director of the movie. The guy had me trembling to even start reviewing his movie. I’m going to start writing right now and tear him into pieces. Yeah, what is that movie called, ‘Gladiator’ is it? Fine, here I go! (Starts writing)

But the actual name on the DVD cover read ‘Glad-He-Ate-Her’ with a thumb sized ‘R’ at the bottom of the DVD. Some people DO make a living writing reviews.