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Terribly Overrated: Titanic and Closer

Movie reviews of two highly rated films: Titanic and Closer. Brace yourselves, you will enjoy the reviews more if you hate these films.

Titanic

Cover via Amazon

7.3/10 on imdb by over 220.000 votes

Before Avatar, Titanic was the movie that broke all the records and got a lot of rewards. I am still haunted by Celine Dion’s My Heart will go on and not in a good way. Leonardo Di Caprio was deemed a sex symbol. Kate Winslet was nominated for an Oscar.

What the ….? I mean really? 7.3? You have to be kidding me. I am supposed to be moved by a story about a poor boy falling in love with a rich, passionate girl in 3 days, declaring each other the “one” and risking their lives for each other? Please! Give me a break. What really happened to Titanic was tragic. But the love story was so cheesy and so over the top, it took away the effect of the tragedy.

But this is what James Cameron does with a big budget. He writes an awful script, spends the money on the effects and dominates the Oscars. Kate Winslet is a brilliant actress but her role in Titanic is just stupid. And Leonardo’s Jack? He was protesting the fact that he wasn’t nominated. Frankly, Leo- I don’t know why Kate was nominated in the first place.

Effects are fine, costumes are fine. But other Oscars?

5/10 overall for the effort from me.

The script? 3/10

Soundtrack? Can I give it 0? Is that allowed?

Closer

Cover of Closer (Superbit Edition)

7.4/10, by over 66.000 votes.

If there is a script that annoys me more than Titanic’s, it has got to be Closer’s. I can’t believe there are people thinking this is such a true insight to human nature. Well, if Closer is about being human, then we are all seriously in big trouble.

Titanic was sappy and cheesy and totally unrealistic about love. Closer? Well, it makes “love” look like the worst thing ever. Oh here is the plot:

Dan (Jude Law) meets Alice (Natalie Portman). Dan hooks up with Alice. Then he meets with Anna (Julia Roberts). He is smitten by Anna. He wants Anna. She is into him but he does have a girlfriend. Then Dan has cybersex with Larry (Clive Owen), pretending to be Anna. Joking around. Oh my God!! You haven’t seen anything more disgusting. Oh no, I am open to swearing and dirty talk but that was just….disturbing. What’s worse is that Dan knows Larry isn’t a girl.

Then Larry meets Anna, realizes he has been played. Anna thinks Larry is goofy cute. So they hook up. But Ann wants Dan too…There is cheating, more cheating, blackmailing into sex and…yeah that’s about it.

Lovely. What a lovely insight into the lives of people who have no clue love is- this story is about people who wouldn’t know real passion and desire if they were bitten in the … by it. What makes it worse that they are so into their roles. You bring Julia, Natalie, Clive and Jude together and this is the story? And this movie gets 7.4????

Call me old-fashioned or tasteless. I don’t care. There are very few movies I hated with all my heart with all of its characters. This was the first movie I saw Clive Owen in and I thought, he is so ugly. So repulsive. And Jude Law? Could he have looked any less manly?

Well after about 10 Clive movies later, I find him to be  a great actor and a very attractive man. That’s why I decided to give Closer another chance when I saw it on TV. But nope, my feelings are the same. The worst two male and female characters ever. Bloody hell.

1/10

Sorry. I could have rated a bit higher (maybe a 3) but then somebody had to do something about the 7.4 rating.

Want to see Clive Owen in better roles? Here are some suggestions:

-          Beyond Borders


http://cinemaroll.com/cinemarolling/beyond-borders-a-terrifying-reality-told-beautifully/

-          The Boys Are Back

http://pinartarhan.com/blog/the-boys-are-back/

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16 Comments
  1. Posted February 2, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Wicked! Zoey, you must be the Simon Cowell of movie critics! lol.
    James Cameron would still be a struggling B grade movie director if he had to live up to your standards. Titanic sounds like a B grade movie not the highest grossing movie of all time. :D

  2. Posted February 2, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I saw Titanic and really enjoyed it. I rarely see any movies. Nice write up though -you express your opinions so well. I enjoyed the read.
    Richard

  3. Posted February 2, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    @ Sharif: Thanks. :) Simon Cowell? Ouch! Can’t I be a non-british Ricky Gervais instead??? :) ))

    My standards aren’t that high. I am hardly harsh with any movie but Titanic was too overrated. It pisses me off. James did reach my standards by Strange Ways. He wrote it, didn’t direct it and it is a cool movie.

    @Richard: You should watch movies. They are fun. Just tell me the genre you like and I can offer some cool movies.

  4. Posted February 2, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    I do like Titanic! It is one of my favorite. Closer is an okay movie. I have not seen Beyond Borders though.

  5. Posted February 2, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    Nice Thanks For Sharing .

    http://webupon.com/search-engines/seven-ways-to-get-extra-huge-traffic

  6. Posted February 3, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Interesting to the point and short review, I bought it on DVD years ago but your opinions I agree with. The script was so so, still trying to figure out why kate winslet’s weight was out of control, who can forget the james cameron line ‘kate weighs a lot’, and Leo DiCaprio back then was still tall, very thin, skinny and young, but hey they are rich, they made it so good for them. As nicole kidman told her fellow aussie naomi watts years ago, all it takes is one film, and for Leo and Kate this was the one film for them that made them big. And kudos to Kate for her role in the film The Reader, a great performance!

  7. Posted February 3, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Oh No! You had to mention “My Heart Will Go On” Good article though.

  8. Posted February 3, 2010 at 5:06 am

    * I did mention how much I hated My heart Will Go on. that song gives me the creeps.

    *yes, DOC, The Reader was awesome!!!

    *8shei8: You haven’t seen romance and drama till you have seen beyond borders, trust me:)

  9. Posted February 4, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Hahahahahah…. Oh my! I feel so tainted Zoey! I love the Titanic but not because of the flimsy love story but just to see how it would have been for all those people to die, the fear and the cold. I was really upset when the lady laid with her kids in the cabin and I was looking everywhere for the dogs! and that poor little drowned, frozen baby…it took me weeks to get over it the first time I saw the film!
    I haven’t seen “Closer” but it’s a very handsome cast by all accounts! I will be dribbling over it at some stage. LOL and the cyber sex sounds just up my street *wink*
    Love Jolie and Owen so “Beyond Boarders” is a must see!

    Love your reviews sweetie, keep them coming!
    Oh and Kate was just fantastic in the reader, I loved that film and really want to see it again.

  10. Posted February 6, 2010 at 8:18 am

    LOL.. Zoey my girl.. This was so refreshing.lol. I actually can bear Titanic, but the song bugs me. Closer is not my cup of tea. I have not seen Beyond Borders and I think I should! Loved the reviews haha

  11. Posted February 7, 2010 at 4:43 am

    Now, I enjoyed Titanic, but I don’t care for the Closer.

  12. Posted February 7, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    lilly rose dear, cybersex might be fun if you are having it with a person you are attracted to. Clive Owen and Jude Law doing it with each other? Not so much.:D The cast was what had attracted me in the first place but the disappointment was huge. I can offer at least a dozen great Clive Owen flicks where he rocks, with both looks and character.;)

    Phoenixrox, beyond borders is so beyond lovely:) Sexy, romantic and thought-provoking. What more can we want, right?:)

  13. Posted February 10, 2010 at 2:41 am

    I fell asleep half-way through “Titanic” and completely lost interest somewhere near the middle of the movie “Closer” – so that’s what I thought LOL Good critique Zo and I think you are dead right:)

  14. Posted February 10, 2010 at 2:43 am

    “Beyond Borders” – lurved it Zo:)

  15. Kevin
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:07 am

    Its nice to see I’m not the only one that thinks the Titanic movie didn’t live up to all the hype about it. I think of it as a movie with good special effects (they did a good job recreating the look of the ship) but little in the way of a story that gives a true sense of the scope of the disaster.

    There were also a couple of technical details that were wrong. I thought I saw smoke coming out of the fourth smoke stack of the ship. The fourth stack of the Titanic was not a functioning smoke stack. It was just there for the appearance of the ship. Also, Rose wades in to the water filling the ship while searching for Jack. The temperature of the Atlantic the night of the sinking was pretty close to the freezing mark. Rose (and later Jack) barely seem affected when coming in to contact with the frigid water or based on the duration they are exposed to it while still in the ship.

    For my money, the best movie about the sinking of the Titanic is still the black and white movie from 1958 called A Night To Remember.

  16. Posted March 22, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Titanic did have a lot of goofs but nothing we couldn’t overlook, only if the story and the acting hadn’t been so overrated. I’ll never know why Kate was nominated that year or why Leo got pissed that he wasn’t nonimated. Seriously!

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