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Why hello again! I wasn’t expecting to see you there, no I wasn’t expecting you. But anyway, its time for another B movie review! Hurray! Now, I thought long and hard over which movie I should talk about (about 20 seconds), and I finally came up with Tarantula. This movie is obviously bad, and I mean bad. But is that not the whole reason that I am reviewing it in the first place? To answer my own rhetorical question, yes, yes it is. If it had any sort of redeeming quality in the least I would have to skip it and give the honor of reviewing it to a “professional” who does these things for a living. But that is not why I’m writing this, I am writing this because it is fun. Yes, I said fun, you know, that thing people had before everyone was sucked into the giant vortex of tests, turmoil, and taxes. Great, now ‘t’ is my least favorite letter. I would stop using it entirely but that would make my sentences all awkward sounding. So I will continue to use it out of pure necessity. But back to my original topic, Tarantula, it’s big, it’s scary, and oh my gosh it’s absolutely horrible.
So there is this guy, I forgot his name but it’s something like professor something or another. And he thinks that he is all big and manly because he can make innocent little critters grow to very large sizes. And what do you know one of these critters is a tarantula. Then some other guy comes in, beats the professor guy unconscious and destroys the lab. But the tarantula escapes! Wow, nobody saw that one coming. So this tarantula starts to grow to even bigger sizes for no apparent reason except for it being a required plot element. It begins to go on a rampage, first with cows, then with people. Before you ask, yes, there is a lady whose only purpose in the movie is to scream whenever the monster appears on screen and to act all clingy to the main character at every opportunity. I was shocked by the movie, not because of the dramatic special effects or excellent acting, for there was none. Rather, I was shocked over how quickly the movie ended. There were only four things that happened once they determined that the monster was a spider:
- Sit around and do nothing while the creature starts to attack population centers.
- Call in an airstrike.
- Napalm the spider.
- Call it a day.
Wasn’t that easy? Once again I will answer my own rhetorical question: yes. It was too easy in fact. A real monster would go on a mindless rampage of destruction, eat a few people, act invincible for a time, THEN, get killed using some ingenious weapon and some tactical brilliance. But Nooooo, they had to get everyone in the crowd all scared with this giant spider before wiping it out on their first try. Well, actually It was the second, the first used some dynamite and C4, but I would call that a pretty half hearted attempt at killing a giant monster.