[an imaginary conversation between a lucky guy who did NOT see Ra.One and a guy who DID see Ra.One]
A: So , i saw Ra.One.
B: Oh, cool man. How was it?
A: Have you ever had this thing happen to you where you saw a vacuum cleaner ad on TV, and even though you did not want a vacuum cleaner in the first place, the ad got you all excited about it, and you ordered one, and then, when the package arrived, it wasn’t the vacuum cleaner, but a giant pile of horseshit?
B: Um, no,.. but you’re saying Ra.One is the vacuum cleaner?
A: No.. Don’t be stupid. I’m saying Ra.One is the horseshit.
B: That bad, huh?
A: Swear to God.
B: Tell me the story.
A: Are you sure?
A: Your funeral.
B: Just start.
A: so we start off with this sequence in what appears to be a game world. Shahrukh khan is the hero with long hair, and six pack abs, and he kills off three Chinese girls( presumably evil ), and goes to save Priyanka Chopra (in a cringe worthy cameo) from Sanjay Dutt, being totally out of place as a comical villain.
B: I guess it must’ve been pretty special effects-loaded.
A: Oh yeah, totally. Especially SRK’s abs.
B: No, i heard that was real.
A: Oh. I didn’t know that. So anyway, the opening sequence itself should’ve given me an idea about what to expect from the rest of the movie. But i was naive enough to think that those scenes were the definite low point, and the movie couldn’t be any worse.
B: But you were wrong?
A: But I was wrong
A: So it turns out, it wasn’t a game, it was a dream ( probably the most expensive and shittiest dream in Bollywood cinema), and the dreamer was SRK’s son. Damn, i forgot his name.
B: didn’t u watch the movie like today morning?
A: Yeah. Hey, i’m glad that i remember seeing it at all. Ah what the hell, lets just call him Brat now.
A: No, Brat. As in thinks-his-dad-is-shit, treats-his-dad-like-shit, has-a-perpetually-arrogant-look-on-face-that-makes-you-immediately-want-to-punch-him, thinks-his-mowgly-haircut-is-supercool, bullies-kids-cause-he-has-a-big-guy-as-his-friend, addicted-gamer-whose-gaming-name-is-Lucifer Brat.
B: Boy, do you hate him.
Ohkay, so anyway, we’re introduced to Shekhar Subramaniam, Thats SRK playing a Madrasi, and offending South Indians, north Indians, Africans, and Mr.Bean with his act. Shekhar speaks Tamil, Hindi, and English, eats noodles and curd with bare hands, is a successful game-designer, and has super low self esteem in front of Brat. So much that he tries to impress Brat by dressing up as MJ and dancing for him, and then decides to design a game for Brat with a super-awesome, undefeatable villain. This game is apparently going to be his Magnum Opus.
B: Finally. I guess it’s awesome from then on.
A: Yea, No. The game he designes has a supervillain named Ra. One, and a superhero named G. One.
A: Ra.One and G.One.
A: Raavan and Jeevan.
B: Ohhh.. yea. Okay. Wait, thats hindi, and the dude’s a Tamilian, right?
A: Tssch. Tweedledee and tweedledum.
A: So anyway, this game has three levels, each level featuring G.One pitted up against Ra.One.
B: three levels.
B: thats it?
A: Totally. Isn’t that super awesome?
A: And since some people would consider that lame, Shekhar added this twist in the third level. The player, who’s playing via a motion capture suit by the way, gets a gun with, i shit you not, a SINGLE BULLET.
A: Yup. And they have one shot at each other. Ra.One ad G.One.
B:What if they missed?
A: I dont know. Stand around maybe.
B: what the fuck man? Lets ignore the fact that the magnum opus of this big-shot game designer’s game, played with mo-suits and all has three levels with two guys going at it. He couldn’t even put a few more bullets into the programming?
A: Um.. Yea, I’m not going to answer that.
A: Oh man. Totally forgot about the hart.
B: what, a deer?
A: No. Hart. H-A-R-T. Some technical mumbo-jumbo abbreviation. Basically it’s Tony Stark’s electromagnet that has to be placed in the chest socket of both G.One and Ra.One if they’re to be killed.
B: so if they don’t have the hart, they can’t be killed?
B: so why don’t they just destroy their own harts?
A: and then what? Stand around unable to die or be killed? Come on man, use your brains.
A: so anyway, at the launch of the game, Brat wants to have a exclusive shot at the game, and Shekhar’s Chinese sidekick takes him to the game room for a trial run, while Shekhar goes about shaking his ass with his wife.
B:Whoa! Wait, Shekhar has a wife??
A: Oh yeah. Kareena Kapoor in yet another totally forgettable role.
B: So, is this her intro scene?
A: Nope. That came earlier. Her major scenes in the movie include writing a thesis or some shit that tries to be about female empowerment, but ends up leaving you like ‘wtf’ , being skeptic about Ra.One coming out of the game, screaming when Ra.One chases them, Romancing G.One, dancing to chammak challo, and riding a train in the end.
B: i really dont know what to say. Ra. One comes out of the game ?
A:Yeah he totally does. Dude gets pissed at Lucifer coz he kicked Ra. One’s ass in the game, and wants revenge.
B: you’re telling me that a game character comes out of the game to take revenge on a kid who kicked his ass.
A: yup. Probably hurt his ego when a little kid beat him where a kung-fu dude couldnt. Video game
characters are human too.
B: Oh my God.
A: so anyway, Ra.One comes out of the game, kills the chinese guy, destroys the lab, transforms into the chinese guy, and kills Shekhar.
B: Aww. He kills Shekhar?
A: Oh boy. You’re more sad about his death than his wife ad kid were.
What next? I suppose G.One comes out of the game too.
A: yup yup. But only because Brat decides to poke around the lab, searching for evidence that his dad was murdered, and was not in a car accident.
B: what? Who said it was a accident?
A: Umm… the police.
B: lab destroyed, chinese guy dead, just after the game’s launch, and then the game designer turns up dead. And the police thinks it was a accident?
A: maybe the filmmakers were taking a potshot at the british by making tthem look super-dumb. You know. Payback for 300 years of servitude ad all.
B:Oh my God.
A: they did have a christian funeral for a tamilian Shekhar though. That was kinda nice.
B: just go on.
A: okay, so anyway, Ra.One tracks down this kid and his skeptic mom, who refuses to believe that Ra.One had come out of the game, even when he’s chasing them by jumping over cars and flipping them like pancakes. Totally matrix reloaded. And just when he gets them, they’re saved by G.One.
B: doest sound very interesting.
A: it really isn’t. And after a lame fight, G.One defeats.. I dunno, if i can use the word defeat, Ra.One is after all, undefeatable..G.One blows Ra.One up, and takes his hart. And the Ra.One’s pieces get run over by a road-roller.
B: should i even ask why take his hart and not kill him when he had the golden oppurtunity?
A: you probably shouldn’t.
B: of course.
A: so the, G.One, Brat, ad mommy go to India.
B: I’m literally at a point where nothig you say can surprise me.
A: and at the airport, there’s a scene that may tick off gay men, and one where we see SRK’s nipples.
B: I take that back.
A: So, Mommy, Brat, and G.One go to their home in Mumbai. And then for what seems like an eternity, though it may just have been half an hour, we see G.One trying to fit in, and Mommy gradually accepting him as a sub for her dead husband.
B: a virtual projection from a game. In place of her human husband.
B: whom she had been married to for more than 10 years.
A: They even dance together to a hindi song sung by a Senegalese singer at the bday of their tamil son.
A: and they have a couple of scenes where G.One emphasizes the evils of smoking. But even that public service work cannot redeem this crapfest.
B: wait, where the fuck is Ra.One?
A: Oh yea, Ra.One stayed in that London Road for a few days giving G.One time to mix with the kid and all, and then took the physical shape of a supermodel, and then went to India, where G.One and Mommy are dancing.
A: G.one’s spider sesne tells him that Ra.One is nearby. So he immediately tells mommy to take Brat and run.
B: Why would he do that? Wouldn’t they be safer with him?
A: I dunno. Maybe he found the dancers hot. Or maybe he was tired of mommy. Or the brat. Or the movie. I’m not sure if i’m talking about G.One or myself anymore.
So anyway, after that, G.One goes to their home. Don’t ask why. And then Ra.One appears on TV. Don’t ask me how. And tells G.One that his wife is on an unstoppable train carrying tons of explosives and only Denzel Washington, and Chris Pine can stop.
B: wait, what?
A: Oh sorry. Wrong story. Ra.One tells him that his wife is on the train and his son is at the other end of the city. So Batman goes to get Racheal, while Det. Gordon goes after Harvey Dent. But the thing was, Joker had switched the addresses. O. Wait… wrong story.
B: you think??!!!
A: I’m so sorry. I dont know why i keep mixing up. Ra.One is so original.
B: Just.. juts finish it.
A: So anyway, mommy on a train, kid with Ra.One. G.One of course runs to save the mom, that horny git. There’s a scene in between where he stops, carefully puts on a pair of shades, looks cool, and then resumes running. And then wastes a lot of time jumping over the train as it rushes past railway stations. The people onscreen get angry when train rushes past each station without stopping, and the people in the theatre get angry coz its such a stupid movie.
B: so does he stop it?
A: yeah he stops it, but it crashes into Mumbai railway station anyway. Not only does it crash, it blows through the station into the open road, and half the station collapses. But Mommy doesn’t have a single scratch. nor does her saree. Even G.One has bits of his skin peeled off, but not mommy.
B: wait, so is it possible that this is all a dream, ad G.One is actually Shekhar, ad Kareena is the actual G.One? or Ra.One?
A: How lame are you? How would that make even the slightest sense?
A: so mommy gives the shpeel about something that makes G.One attempt suicide by electrocuting.
A: no. I wish. G.One charges himself up, and takes off to meet Ra.One for the fight.
B: about time
A: yea i don’t exactly recall the order of events, but G.One goes man-o-mano with Ra.One and is immediately beaten up, Brat wears the suit at some point to control G.One to fight Ra.One, and at one point G.One grabs Ra.One’s balls.
A: All this was a elaborate plan by G.One to just survive and get to the third level, where he would get a fucking gun!
B: Oh score!
A: by the way second level is like 2 mins long. Kinda makes you wonder how long the actual game was.
B: Tssch… tweedledee ad tweedledum.
A: whoa! nice.
So anyway, third level, G.One has a gun, Ra.One has a gun.
A: Ra.One shoots, bulls eye. G.One falls.
A: But, G.ONE HADNT PUT IN HIS FRIGGIN HART!! SO HE WASN’T KILLED!!!!!!! SICK BURN FOR RA.ONE!!!!!!!
B: so, Ra.One also took out his hart, i guess?
A: No, the dumbass multitplied into 10 Ra.Ones.
B: oh , because of Raavan. nice. Fuck me!
A: yea. So G.One and Brat are confused as shit. Ra.Ones are out of bullet, so they just walk around taunting G.One. and the brat remembers his dad saying something about a shadow, and notices that only one Ra.One has a shadow and so brilliantly puts together two and two, and tells G.One to shoot the fucker.
G.One obliges, ad kabooooom!! Ra.One dead, blow to bits.
B: wasnt he blown to bits before too?
A: yea this time, G.One absorbs all the Ra.One particles into his own body and then says something about why he has to die or go back to the game world to completely erase Ra.One.
B: that sounds like terminator 2.
A: whatever man. But the gesture kinda becomes pointless, since G.One doesn’t go back into the game world, he just decomposes then and there. So. Umm.. i dunno. Wasn’t that stupid?
B: dont ask questions man. Just tell me that was the ending.
A: nope. One last thing. Brat i guess was a super intelligent human being, or probably alien, because the 11-12 yr old worked on it for 6 moths and then programmes G.One to come back again.
B: into the real world?
A: yup. Guess there’s a second part.
B: i guess the mayans were right. Damn!! < faints>