James Bond vs. Jason Bourne: Who Would Win?

Sometimes you have to lose to win

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen the Bourne movies and they’re very good. I am in no doubt that Jason Bourne is not a man to be messed with. Strong, fast, calculated, and clinical. Slier than a politicians expenses account, and as strong as an ox with local gym membership. He has nerves of steel with balls to match. He has no apparent weaknesses. None. And yet that is exactly why he would lose against Bond.

You see, apart from having no bizarre physical defects, although it was noted in Team America that Mat Damon has that slight downs syndrome look, he is actually no different to any other Bond super villain. A bit less personality maybe, but pitted against Bond he would just basically be another seemingly impossible to beat super villain.

It’s possible Bourne would administer near fatal beatings to Bond early on. Indeed Bourne fans would have it as a another Hatton Vs Pacquiao fiasco. The cocky Brit Hatton had his face re arranged into a Picasso by the PacMan’s speedy fists, and was knocked down 3 times before being spectacularly KO’d all in less than 6 painfully embarrassing minutes. Yes, I think Bond would most certainly find himself in big trouble early on. But then that is what he does best. Then, just when it seemed the fat lady was clearing her throat and stepping up to the mic, Bond would pull the unexpected winner out of the bag and then throw in a humorous quip for good measure.

You see the difference is while Bourne always wins in his films, Bond always uses the fact he has lost as his chance to win in his. Bourne is very good at winning but Bond is better at losing to win. And with a name like Bourne, there are just simply too many one liners queueing up to be used for Bond not to beat him.

Some Example Outcomes

Bond is receiving a fatal beating from Bourne in a farm yard. Bourne throws Bond into a corner and prepares for the kill. Bond kicks a nearby bucket onto a leaver behind Bourne which opens the silage shutters above Bournes head. Bourne is buried under a torrent of steaming manure. Bond calmly gets up, dusting the hay off his trousers and jacket, and jests, ‘He always did say he was Bourne for this shit’.

After some deadly moves from both in the planetarium, Bond rams Bourne’s head through the back of an interactive display. As he casually walks round the front, he sees Bournes head has replaced the sun and disrupted the pattern of the other planets, which are tapping repeatadly on Bourne’s unconscious head. Bond raises an eye brow ‘Hmmm… it seems a new star is Bourne.’

After a brawl in a church, Bond grabs an incense decanter and swings it into Bournes face before wrapping the chain round Bourne’s neck and strangling him by swinging him round like a hammer thrower and releasing him, crashing down into the confessional box.
Bond looks at Bourne slumped forwards in the confessional seat, the box curtain now wrapped over him like a nuns habit, hands between his knees. With a shuffle of his cuff links and eye brow raised Bond quips , ‘A Bourne again christian no doubt’.

Bond and Bourne are a brutal brawl in a printing factory. Bourne sticks Bond’s tie in one of the roller presses, and grins thinking he has won, as Bond is helplessly rollered in towards the steamrolling presses. Bond flicks one of his diamond cuff links into the machines only to have it spat out at one hundred miles an hour, ricocheting off a pipe, rebounding back to slice his tie off, freeing him from the press, and then piercing the ink canister beside Bourne, spraying ink right into his eyes. Bourne staggers back blinded and burns his hand on a steaming press machine, before stumbling midways and hitting his head off a pipe, and then tripping over some cables to go tumbling into the date stamping machine. Bounre is sent through the machine and comes out the other side unconcious with the days date stamped on his forehead… Bond picks up his trusty cuff link and says ‘Bourne on the Fourth of July’.

Bond and Bourne are fighting in a baking mill. Bourne chucks a knife at Bond who deflects it with a crusty baguette whilst kicking a danish pastry at Bourne’s face. Bourne grins as he leans out of the way, not realising that in doing so he hooked his jacket on conveyor hooks used to drop wheat in the top of the wheat tower. Bond salutes him good bye as Bourne is lifted up kicking and floundering and dumped helplessly in the top  of the wheat tower. Bond dusts his hands off and says ‘Bourne and bread’.

Bourne is beating Bond up and kicks him through a brothel door. Bond gets up and runs for his life. Bourne gives chase, arms out stretched. The Benny Hill theme starts to play. They go from room to room acquiring a trail of whores after them. As the tune climaxes Bond slips right and sticks his foot out tripping Bourne onto an air bed which bounces him out of the 5th floor window to his doom. Bond is left in the airbed room with 15 girls. A blond girl with large breasts asks Bond what happened to the other guy . Bond replies as he removes his jacket and shirt ‘He went air Bourne’.

Bourne has Bond badly beaten and cornered in a betting shop. As Bourne cocks his gun for the kill he says to Bond ‘The odds of you beating me are approximately 24000 to 1′. Bond flicks his cuff link at a nearby button which drops the security shutters on Bournes head crumpling his body like an accordion. Bond quips ‘Never rule out your Premium Bond.’

Conclusion

And that is why I think Bond will always beat Bourne. Apart from the fact it would just be plain boring the other way round, Bond has the true British quality of encompassing losing to make himself a winner. Bourne has the American arrogance that he has already won. Bond disables seemingly superior opponents all the time, and he always does it with a raised eyebrow and a smile on his face…Why? Well he always gets to sleep with his opponents girl too! Oh James…