How To: Avoiding Cinematic Disasters

“Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that … is dangerous. / And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.” That remarkable line comes from Fight Club, undoubtedly one of the greatest movies ever made. Although Fight Club definitely ranks in cinema’s hall of fame, there have been many misfortunes that stain the silver screen. There’s nothing worse than paying a few bucks for a movie ticket, another 5 for popcorn and a drink, then realizing a half hour later that you’re a watching a piece of crap. You don’t want to leave because you’ll have wasted your money on the ticket and overpriced food, but you don’t want to waste another minute of your life watching the garbage in front of you either. It’s lose-lose situation, but you can avoid the circumstances entirely by looking out for several “dreadful movie” signs.

The most obvious symptoms of a wasteful production fit into the realm of remakes and sequels. Not surprisingly, these movies often make it into the top two or three spaces in the box office, largely due to their tendency to leech popularity off of the original films from whence they came. Take movies like Indiana Jones into account. The latest rendition was nothing more than terrible, despite the previous successes in the series. The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean also work into this category. The Matrix currently ranks number 29 on the top 250 greatest movies list, hosted by IMDB, a highly revered and prestigious motion picture review site. However, you won’t see the other two members of the trilogy on that list, though you may find them on my personal “worst 250 movies” list. Pirates succumbs to the same nature. The second film had virtually no point whatsoever, at least until the third made something out of it. And by something, I mean a plot that vaguely resembled a storyline. It is the nature of producers to make as much dough from an idea as possible. Unfortunately, most of their innovation goes into the first film, and whatever remnants of it remain go into all that succeed it. Therefore, it’s a great idea to avoid these types of films before you can verify that they’re watchable.

Another sign of an inferior production lies in bad reviews. A lot of people go off of how popular a movie is in the box office, which, as I covered earlier, doesn’t necessarily mean the movie is good. As such, it’s a great idea to take a quick minute or two and see how well the movie does when sparring against critics. The Roger Ebert “thumbs up,” “thumbs down” system is particularly easy to understand. If you want a more in-depth review, but don’t want to waste too much time, just look for a rating in stars. These ratings can originate from various online sources or a local newspaper even, but just be sure follow some simple guidelines when looking at these ratings. A 60% rating, which would be 3 stars out of five or about 2 and a half out of four, is generally the cut-off point. You should only watch a movie with a lesser rating if the topic explicitly interests you. In-between 60 and 80 percent is a questionable zone. Movies here are often hit or miss, depending on the viewer. They may be too simple for film buffs or too complicated for general audiences. When you look at ratings, keep in mind that your opinions will likely differ from the critic’s. Still, they’re a good guideline for estimation, especially in the top 20% range. Any movie that peaks that area is a must-watch film. Just make sure that more than one reliable critic says so.

If you do end up getting swindled into watching a catastrophically horrible film, either through the protests of friends who want to see the latest flick or by fault of your own negligence, don’t be like most people and sit there waiting, hoping it’ll get better. You’re not doing yourself any favors through this wishful thinking. If a movie’s bad in its first half, it isn’t getting any better. Trust me. Just gather up your buttery delights and snack wrappers and walk out in the middle. Your courage might even sway a few others around you to do the same thing. True, you’ll have essentially wasted your precious cash, but there’s no way to get it back once you’ve spent it, so just let it go. Then, when you get back home, you can watch a favorite of your own, like Memento, Pulp Fiction, or The Shawshank Redemption.

Just remember, not every movie you see advertised heavily and attaining instant fame is good. Take it upon yourself to ensure that you won’t be wasting your time in the theater and/or your money by watching a bad movie. Be on the lookout for “awful movie” indications and bad reviews, and you’ll never have to deal with being bored in a movie theater again.