You often hear the expression “The Worst Movie Ever”, and usually used by someone taking offence at a movie that on some degree is not half bad, then you get a movie like Eldorado which literally does qualify for the title.
Made by Richard Driscoll AKA Steven Craine, (who also stars in the movie) this Welsh born “actor/director” has spent much of his career making movies that nobody wants to see. To add insult to injury he also has a nasty habit of engaging in work, and releasing press articles to explain projects he is working on that never get to become a reality. Eldorado is one movie that really should never have got off the drawing board.
The story revolves around two Jewish bothers The Rosenblum’s who perform as an act called the Jews Brothers. When their agent JJ (Steve Guttenberg) accidentally confuses their act, with that of a strippers, the Jews Brothers end up at a Neo-Nazi rally headed up by former Doctor Who Sylvester McCoy. Having escaped they head for Eldorado for their next gig.
I won’t lie, Eldorado was so painful to watch, so awful on every single level I simply could not watch it to its conclusion. I lasted just half (of the almost two hour running time), and then the only reason I stayed was to see just who would turn up next. You see Eldorado is one of those movies s laden with stars, but is so awful in the process you need to keep watching just to make sure you are not missing something. Driscoll allegedly claims that the movie was a big one-fingered salute to the movie industry, the truth however is that it is a movie designed simply to show you what not to do in a movie.
Realising that the movie is absolute bobbins, Driscoll engaged the services of Peter O’Toole to narrate and try and make sense of the unintelligible story, in fact he makes the movie even less legible, a fact that Driscoll with without a doubt claim is a deliberate act.
The movie goes to prove that actors will actually go where the money is, regardless of the content; in fact it’s almost unbelievable that so many former A-List performers would even lend their names to the project. For some of the performers, who have not been around lately you can understand their inclusion, I’m speaking of performers like Rik Mayall, Brigitte Neilson, Robin Askwith, Steve Guttenberg and Sylvester McCoy. But then you have performers like Daryl Hannah, the late David Carradine and Michael Madsen who all starred together in Kill Bill just a few short years ago, and really should not have fallen so low so quickly. And then you have performers like Bill Moseley, Peter O’Toole, Patrick Bergin, Jeff Fahey, David Soul and Caroline Monro who still have popularity on various circuits and still work regularly. There are at least a dozen other actors you’ll be familiar with but I wont embarrass by listing them. There is of course one tell tale sign, about the movie, none of the performers are seen than more than a few minutes, and most are shot against green screen backdrops.
If the story is not bad enough, and to be honest the performances of some of the actors even worse, there is a final element to really stick the knife in. It’s singing, yes all the performers (pretty much anyway) get to mime to popular songs of yesteryear at some point or another, and when I say mime, this too is very badly.
I brush over the “3D”, and pretend its not even there.
I’m sure Driscoll believes he has made some sort of statement, maybe that statement is simple, that when it comes to the crunch actors are no different to whores and will go wherever the money is. If he’s making any other statement than that, he’s naïve to say the least. Eldorado will never regain the expenses laid out to create the film, and Driscoll really is one person that will never make a good movie, or even a mediocre one, which compared to this would at least be a step up.