Why Conan the Barbarian is the Greatest Film Ever

However I doubt this will be too hard to achieve as Conan the barbarian, like its written counterpart novels, embodies the pure essence of what all males attempt to achieve in their life within its simple tale of a revenge tale in prehistoric kingdoms. And this essence can be categorised into three major themes: Violence, Women and Sheer god-damn manliness.

1.     Violence.

Violence seems to be a staple part of most Hollywood films in this day and age. In fact violence seems to be a great focal point for entertainment to attract its loyal supporters in any day and age. For example, in Roman times a simple stage production could be bloodier and gorier than an 18 rated horror movie today, in fact sometimes people would actually be killed on stage to make the play more convincing to the audience, all while children and whole families of every age and creed would watch in glee. So the general population’s fascination with violence is nothing new, in fact if anything it has mellowed a little in this new age of special effects computer graphics.

The violence in Conan is neither too much, nor too little. In the beginning of the film, it actually helps illustrate to the viewer the hardships and tragedies that afflict Conan early on in his life and forge him into the man of steely muscle and fearless power he later becomes (a role perfectly suited to a young Arnold Schwarzenegger.)  for example the attack on his village early on in the film, robs him of his parents and forces him to rely on himself throughout the years of his future slavery as a worker on the suitably named “wheel of pain”, a great Wheat grinding device pushed round by the captured children of raided villages. The next time that Violence comes into the development of Conan as a mighty warrior is when he is pushed into a fighting pit for the first time as an innocent slave, who knows nothing else but the grind of the wheel beneath his hands. This attitude is quickly shattered when his first opponent launches himself upon Conan in a frenzied assault, slashing and biting with his sharpened teeth. It is at this point that Conan seems to find his true function, and retaliates by first breaking his opponents arm, then his neck. Then, as the film continues in a montage fashion, the Viewer is shown how the violence of the pit fights eradicates Conan’s innocence and Forges him into a new being.

The bloodshed throughout the rest of the film simply helps emphasise the pure power of Conan and his companions as protagonists. It reveals that they are not graceful noble heroes that fight for glory and honour as many modern fantasy characters are portrayed (yes am pointing at you Aragorn!), but are brutal savage thieves who fight for profit and gain. At least at first that is. This Violence reaches its climax at the films epic final battle scene when two warriors (Conan and his companion Subotai) stand against the raging forces of the Snake-tyrant Thulsa Doom, and win. In epic sword fights, savage axe swinging melees and brutal use of clever traps this scene displays the raw power of Conan’s martial skill, and really makes the movie for me.

2.     Women

Conan the Barbarian seems to go through more women in this film than James bond and the Greek god Zeus combined. His first being a shy girl who doesn’t really get a big say in the film (but then again neither does Schwarzenegger) who is revealed to be only really one of the many women he is “fed” to satiate his appetites as a slave. His next real female conquest goes less smoothly for him, as after encountering a primitively dressed but beautiful woman of whom invites him ” to warm himself by her fire”  she then transforms into some kind of bloodthirsty creature that attacks Conan in the throes of their sexual intercourse(ouch).

Thankfully our hero has a little more success with his next meeting with a future lover, when he finds a fellow thief named Valeria who he at first works alongside then falls in love with, finding something for the first time in both their lies that is truly theirs. In fact the devotion of this woman to Conan brings him back even from death because she has nothing else that she has ever cared for as much as he. Sadly whilst doing this she also states, when told that that the gods exact a heavy price, that she “will pay them” and in this simple refrain her fate is sealed. She is slain by Thulsa Doom at some point later in the film much to Conan’s dismay. However her love for some was great enough to beat death once and, true to form, she does it again, appearing as a powerful Valkyrie at a point when Conan’s life is in danger and saving him one last time.

3.     Sheer God-damn manliness

Now this is Conan’s real forte when it comes to the Character himself. Conan the Cimmerian is the pure epitome of manly strength and power, the pinnacle of what a Human creature can achieve with himself in terms of martial might. He is also a fearless, a grim determination driving his every action and word said, from stealing the eye of the serpent from the tower of the snake cult, to slaying Thulsa Doom himself and casting him down as a false God.  Also Conan seems to have found a simple way of life and rule for him to live by, this by no means that he is stupid, only that he has learned to avoid complications through a way of life involving combat, wealth and women. And this is beautifully summed up when an iconic scene featuring Conan set upon a “lazy Susan” surrounded by warriors and rich men of the east. In this scene Conan is asked “what is best in life?” and as a reply he simply answers “Crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you and hearing the lamentation of their women”. Perfect.