Top Five BAMF

Welcome to the inaugural members of the BAMF. Very few are inducted into this prestigious society, and these 5 are the first official class. BAMF means, well, use your imagination. BAMF is for those select few who are the cream of the crop, who rise above the rest and distinguish themselves as unstoppable forces of nature.

There are a few rules, because there always are. First is no powers. That’s a bye bye to Vader & Skywalker, Spider-Man, Superman and all the rest. Second is no gadgets or toys. Bond, Batman, and the Ghostbusters, this means you. You’re only allowed to use the common tools and technology of the time. There are some others who definitely belong in the club. Don’t worry, they’ll be given their BAMF badges soon. Samuel, it’ll be in the mail by next week. This isn’t politics so that’s enough of the red tape and legal jargon.

Martin Riggs & Roger Murtaugh

There are two here, but it’s impossible to split them up. Anytime it does happen, anyone in the way of them reuniting doesn’t live long enough to regret it. Together they’ve taken down mercenaries, Gary Busey, corrupt South African ambassadors abusing their diplomatic immunity, gang bangers, dirty cops, the Chinese Triad and Jet Li. Most of them while putting up with Joe Pesci’s “okay okay okay.” The only reason they’re at number 5 is they both had armed forces training in Vietnam, including Special Forces for Riggs. So actually add Vietnam to the list of things they’ve survived.

There is basically nothing these two can’t do. They get the job done no matter what. While taking down the laundry list of bad guys, they’ve been shot, stabbed, tortured, electrocuted, and that’s just in Lethal Weapon 1. Shane Black, the creator of the buddy cop genre and an honorary BAMF himself, also penned the first 2 movies. Black’s other credits include The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and the Last Boy scout. Any bad guy who sees he’s up against Riggs and Murtaugh just gives up now. The only thing that scares these two is growing old. As we all know, they’re getting too old for it. Sadly, so are Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. No one wants to see Lethal Weapon 9: Retirement Home Justice. But I do want a LW5. Almost had it when Gibson made his racist remarks. Come on, you guys aren’t too old for this yet.

The Dude

The other Jeffrey Lebowski. He doesn’t bust “em up in the same way as the rest, but this tenacious little stoner won”t stop until he’s solved the problem. Corrupt cripple fake millionaires, electronica bands turned nihilists, porn producers and dim-witted henchmen beware. He only has 1 movie, but it’s so good that it counts as 3. His philosophy makes him all the cooler. Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. No matter what, he keeps on keeping on. Walter’s rambling and overly sensitive semi-Semitic ideals don’t even faze him. Donnie passes on, but the Dude keeps doing what he has to. White Russians became an instant classic thanks to him. And his acid flashbacks are well choreographed. He’s not moving at break-neck speeds, but he’s still an unstoppable force.

Not to mention the bowling troubles. John Turturro? He’s a pederast and he’s going down next Wednesday. The Dude even engages in coitus with Julianne Moore and brings the best line ever spoken by Tara Reid. The one that would make all of us find a cash machine. Part of his power might be derived from keeping his mind limber. A variation of f- is used 281 times. Oh yeah, and he makes witty remarks when strangers shove his head in the toilet. If that’s not a BAMF maneuver, I don’t know what is.

Ripley

In space, no one can hear you scream. But everyone has seen her kick the acid blood out of the Aliens, or Xenomorphs. Alien is the perfect natural killer. Its prey turns into its host. If you hurt it, the acid blood kills you. It can climb on walls and ceilings; it’s fast, strong and tough. Razor sharp teeth and tail, it can hide in the shadows or small shafts, or just kill everything in a room in about 3 seconds. You take down one of these and you’re BAMF material. Take down dozens, including queens, and the organization can’t survive without you. Her most shining moment has to be the end of Aliens, where she does the right things to beat the queen. She gears up first, getting plenty of normal rounds, flame thrower and maybe some grenades. When she passes the face-huggers on the ground, she drops the flares to make sure they’re dead instead of assuming they are and getting killed because of it. She goes back, saves Newt and kills the whole colony of xenomorphs.

She’s not just the bane of Aliens everywhere cause she can take them down after they kill a whole platoon of marines though. Her ability to think and adapt is also great. The android from Alien was a corporate tool in a few ways, but she still learns to trust Bishop later on. She recognizes not to trust all Bishop androids though, as seen at the end of 3. She’s even willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to make sure the company doesn’t get its hands on an Alien, which would lead to them killing billions more across the galaxy. True, Resurrection is a strike against her. There’s no denying that. The rest are good enough to make up for it though. And, she had enough sense to stay away from the Alien vs. Predator disaster. AVP2 was better, but the first was just so bad.

Those of you looking back at the rules and saying that Ripley used some nifty gadgets and toys are both right and wrong. She does, but the technology is common at that time. Most of it is primitive for that time. She’s cruising around in spaceships with suspended animation and the best thing she has is modified radar or a mining suit. Most of the time she’s got fire or a gun. Even we have fire and guns.

John McClane

So I couldn’t choose who would be #2 or #1, so I’ll go the NFL wide receiver route and make it option 1 or option 1A. General consensus would probably put the remaining BAMF as the sole #1, but the general consensus isn’t writing this.

He’s saved people from L.A. to New York to D.C, from sea to shining sea. He has no special training; he’s a New York beat cop. He’s not the smartest guy around or very tech-savvy. He loves his family and he hates bad guys. He’s John McClane and he’s 100% certified BAMF. One on one, he’ll take anybody down. It’s hard to believe that there were serious doubts about Bruce Willis in an action role. But back then he was seen as a comedy guy from Moonlighting. Now, he is the action genre. Movies are described as Die Hard on a boat (Under Siege), Die Hard on a train (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory), Die Hard on a plane (Snakes on a Plane!). Bruce Willis was actually option #5 for Die Hard. Check imdb. As everyone knows, if it’s on there it must be true.

Here’s the resume: Beats Hans Gruber and a dozen other highly trained, well financed faux terrorist thieves. Al helps, Ellis dies. Everyone is happy when Ellis dies. Beats an ex-colonel who’s turned traitor, his group of elite commandos, a corrupt major and his group of elite commandos. Saves Holly’s plane and every other plane except the one Miles O’Brien was piloting. Al helps a little bit. Hans Gruber’s brother Simon comes at him with a squadron of terrorists and mercenaries. Runs through all of Simon’s games, defeats small army. No help from Al this time, but lots of help from SamueL. Defeats helicopter with a six-shooter and electric wire. Beats former DoD super computer genius and some other exaggerated baddies. This time defeats helicopter by driving a car into a concrete pillar, which ramps it instead of crashing it. Random craziness with a semi and F-15. Kevin Smith cameo.

The best is clearly the original rumble in the Nakatomi building. Everything about that is perfect action. Even Carl Winslow learns a lesson. The same lesson as McClane in the movie – shoot people. Second best is his New York romp with former 2nd unit stand in for Bill Cosby, SamueL. Let’s not bring up Live Free or DH. McClane’s infinite toughness really boosts him up. He’s shot, runs barefoot through broken glass, shot a whole lot more, ejected from an exploding plane, dropped onto a barge and that craziness with the jet fighter. And he keeps going. Any sort of emergency, give me John McClane and I’ll be happy watching him save the day and shoot everyone in his way.

Indiana Jones

It’s a shame that so many on this list have one movie that counts against them instead of for them. Crystal Skull, Live Free or DH, A: Resurrection, and LW4. But it proves not even Hollywood milking these BAMF’s dry can stop them.

This was almost called the INDY club, that’s how good he is. He takes down Nazis like they’re Lego’s. Solves legends from two major religions. He found the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail, and he’s still a down to Earth guy. He can beat the living daylights out of you and give you a history lesson at the same time. And make history come to life. More recently, he took down some commies, but let’s focus on the good times. The times before Lucas’ infinite crazy was allowed to run unhinged. Indy has completely smashed the bad guys and saved the day on 5 different continents. Very few others can make that claim. He hasn’t gone down under, but what’s he going to solve there? Everyone knows who ate the baby. And Antarctica, there’s no archeological artifacts down there despite what AVP says. I told you, AVP is terrible. Indy wins on land, sea and air. He’s got it all.

If you can find the Ark, you’re already in. Keep it out of the Nazis hands and you’re a legend. Smart enough to survive the opening of the Ark, then there’s not even a word to describe you. He saves kids from evil Thuggee cults and returns the Sankara stones to save the village. He survived the trails to find and was knowledgeable enough to get the true Grail. It’s arguably as good as the Monty Python quest for it. And his dad is Sean Connery. He’s the son of James Bond for crying out loud. He can solve any mystery, defeat any enemy and recover any treasure. There’s really no explanation needed. He is the BAMF chief. None of the wannabes (National Treasure, Lara Croft, The Librarian) can even see him, much less touch him. Long live the king.