Everyone knows at least a few of the great military leaders from the real world. Alexander the Great of the Greeks, Julius Caesar of the Romans, and Stonewall Jackson come to mind as being HARDCORE. These are guys that laugh as the bullets (or arrows) fly past their faces. And while these guys are without a doubt kickass, they are overshadowed by something even more terrifying: Human imagination. Our movies have depicted military personnel that would make even Stonewall take a step backwards. And here is my list of the top 10 kickass military characters from movies…
Movie he’s from: Battle Royale
Why he could kick your ass: Acknowledged that he was hired by Fukasaku to play a version of himself
An ex-teacher from Shiroiwa Junior High School’s 3-B class, he left after one of the students stabbed him. Then he became administrator of the Battle Royale Program! For anyone who hasn’t seen this movie, the main plot focuses around a class of students (picked at random) that participate in the government funded Battle Royale program.
Essentially all the students are told to kill each other off until only 1 survivor remains, or they all die. Fun, huh? But what truly makes this guy badass is his last scene. After being shot repeatedly with a machine gun, he answers his phone, throws it on the ground, shoots it with a gun he was hiding, eats a cookie, and then dies. All while three students are there next to him.
Movie he’s from: Matrix Series
Why he could kick your ass: Resists Agent Smith’s interrogation long enough to be rescued
Anyone who has seen the first Matrix remembers Smith’s famous interrogation scene. You know, the one about how he hates “the smell” of the Matrix. He was hacking into Morpheus’s brain. He wanted Zion’s codes. Trinity even said it was only a matter of time until Morpheus’s brain cracked. But he didn’t crack! He had enough faith in Neo to endure his torture. In fact, he’s one of the only characters that actually believes Neo is the One throughout the entire trilogy. This man is unbreakable, and he could break you.
#8: Lieutenant Roget
Movie he’s from: Paths of Glory
Why he could kick your ass: Throws grenades at his own men
While on the battlefield, this dude decides to get drunk. After sending one of his two men to scout ahead in enemy territory, he sees “movement in the direction of the enemy” and decides to throw a grenade. After he realizes he killed his own man, he runs back to base leaving his remaining officer to fend for himself. Yeah, this guy’s an asshole, but it gets worse. After denying a charge of manslaughter, he chooses the officer that was with him during the battle (the one not killed) to be executed for cowardice. Hah, the irony! Don’t get in this guys way.
#7: Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade
Movie he’s from: Scent of a Woman
Why he could kick your ass: Juggles grenades
Continuing on with the hand grenade theme, this man like to juggle them. Drunk. Apparently, this is how he lost his eyesight. But enough of that. Slade’s buddy Charlie is about to be expelled from his prep-school when Colonel Slade delivers a compelling speech on his behalf. He reveals that Charlie has been offered a bribe to inform on his own friends. This is when When Slade says “If I was half the man I was five years ago, I’d take a flame thrower to this place!” You hear that? A FLAMETHROWER.
#6: Admiral Ackbar
Movie he’s from: Star Wars
Why he could kick your ass: Can see through your traps
So let’s say you are a commanding officer in a space fleet. Suddenly, a shitload of enemy forces appear in front of you. This is when you thank the lucky stars that Admiral Ackbar is on your side. “It’s a Trap!” Thank you Admiral, I would have never known.
#5: General Patton
Movie he’s from: Patton
Why he could kick your ass: Will slap anyone
Patton may exist in real life but was too amazing to pass up on this list. The “slapping incident” nearly ended Patton’s career. According to witnesses, General Patton was visiting patients at a military hospital in Sicily, and came upon a weeping 24-year-old soldier named Charles Kuhl. Patton asked “What’s the matter with you?” and the soldier replied, “It’s my nerves, I guess. I can’t stand shelling.” Patton “thereupon burst into a rage” and ordered him back to the front. Patton then “struck the youth in the rear of the head with the back of his hand”. Reportedly, the nurse “made a dive toward Patton, but was pulled back by a doctor.” Patton continued on to other patients, then returned and berated the soldier again. Brutal! Patton later died from a jeep accident a day before we was due to return to the US. LOL.
#4: Kazundo Gouda
Movie he’s from: Ghost in the Shell 2nd Series
Why he could kick your ass: Has an inferiority complex
First off, let me say that pretty much ANY character from the Ghost in the Shell series could be on this list. They could ALL kick your ass. But if I had to choose one character, it would be this guy. From the start, this guy kicks ass. Involved in a mysterious accident, he chose not to repair his face but rather keep it in a horribly disfigured form. Why? So he could INTIMIDATE everyone around him. Gouda is also the head of a data manipulation division within the Cabinet Intelligence Service, which means he can do whatever he wants. He is the mastermind antagonist of the series, as he planned to use Japan’s numerous postwar refugees in order to create social unbalance and political upheaval. His character resembling his face, he appears polite and well-spoken but seems to have ulterior, warped motives. And he has an inferiority complex.
#3: General Ripper
Movie he’s from: Dr. Strangelove
Why he could kick your ass: Will do anything to protect “precious bodily fluids”
General Jack D. Ripper is named after Jack the Ripper, and his primary concern about Communism is his assertion that water fluoridation is “a Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” This, of course, was made aware to him when his “loss of essence” during sexual intercourse greatly fatigued him. The point is, this guy is a lunatic. After Ripper uses “Plan R”, an emergency war plan enabling a senior officer to launch a retaliation strike against the Soviets, U.S. Army troops sent by the President arrive at Burpelson to arrest him. Because Ripper has warned his men that the enemy might attack disguised as American soldiers, the base’s security forces, and Ripper himself, open fire on them. LOL
#2: John Preston
Movie he’s from: Equilibrium
Why he could kick your ass: Holds the record for third most onscreen kills seen in a single film by a single character (118)
Do the words “Grammaton Cleric First Class” mean anything to you? They also mean “run away and hide your babies.” This guys works for the government to hunt down “sense offenders”, or people that don’t take their daily dose of the emotion suppressing drug Prozium. In case that didn’t sink in, this guy has no emotions. His own wife was executed for being a sense offender. But this is just the beginning. Preston is also a master of “gun kata”, a fictional martial arts technique that involves using statistics and geometrics to determine the most efficient way to shoot enemies and avoid return fire. This means nothing touches Preston, but he can certainly touch you. The icing on the cake is that the entire ending sequence from Equilibrium was deemed so badass that they copied almost every aspect of it for the ending sequence in Wanted. Preston earns position 2 for most kickass military character from a movie.
#1: Colonel Shikishima
Movie he’s from: Akira
Why he could kick your ass: Hates corrupt politicians and capitalists
“Enough! Open up your eyes and look at the big picture; You’re all puppets of corrupt politicians and capitalists.”What? You don’t remember the Colonel from Akira? He was the most memorable character, the one who begins as the antagonist responsible for the total destruction of Tokyo but ends up being the most honorable character bent on saving Neo-Tokyo from a second similar fate. The scene where the military tries to arrest him captures just how baddass this guy actually is. A congressman delivers a speech on how the Colonel is insubordinate and must be arrested. The Colonel then gives his infamous quote (seen above) and orders his men to “shoot him.” He then convinces all the soldiers around him to leave the “corrupt politicians and capitalists” and join him in his quest to save Neo-Tokyo. Yeah!And that concludes my list!