The Avengers – Abridge Script (The Editing Room-inspired)
I have been a fan of The Editing Room ever since I saw their posts on cracked.com but I hate the fact that their movie scripts are not that updated. So, adding my own script may help them realize that they may need to make more of these funny scripts. To those who haven’t read a script from The Editing Room yet, these guys think that your favorite movie is crap and the script shows what the movie really is in real life. Today, I will start by creating the abridged script for the most talked-about and anticipated movie "The Avengers."
“Why do Hulk look like a Zombie from I am Legend? Hulk angryyy!”
INT. Shield Agents headed by Samuel “Eye-Patch” Jackson recruits Dr. Ruffalo, Iron Downey, Jr. and Captain Chris Evans.
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.
Why, it is almost 20 minutes of the movie
and we don’t see much action yet.
I thought we’re done with the recruitment
process in every Marvel post-credit scenes?
Who is the Human Resources of this movie?
The audiences definitely don’t pay to see a CGI
ship/plane/submarine. GI-Joe and Transformers
already have a lot of that.
Why don’t we build tension up by pointing out the obvious?
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.
What? That we don’t have anything in common?
And thus, we should at least have minor disagreements?
No, that this movie needs more superheroes
and a more threatening villain than Tom Hiddleston.
Speaking of which, where is that puny villain? (Pun intended!)
INT. Somewhere in Germany
Being a god, I should attack an old Orchestra
Instructor in the eye because that is what a god
of mischief do…er.. mischievous things I suppose!
And while I’m on it, why don’t I use my hologram
power to threaten powerless civilians but I won’t
use this power later when Hulk treats me like a rag doll.
I won’t let you beat an old English-speaking
German guy. In fact, I’ve travelled all the way
from the skies of America to Germany to save him!
Because, you know…I’m Captain America!!!
Here take my vibration-absorbing shield.
And who told you that my power is a vibration?
The shield ABSORBS Tom’s power anyway.
Who wrote the screenplay of this movie?
IRON DOWNEY, JR.
Enough talking, the script says it’s action time!
Here take a kick from my Iron boots. Somehow
a god should be affected by that!
And HE was indeed affected by the IRON kick showing how a LAME villain Tom is.
OK, if I’m not physically competent as a villain
I guess I will be a mentally competent one.
Here, arrest me and take me to your CGI spaceship
because, you know, I’m not planning anything bad!
(grins.. but no one noticed)
They put him on JET-ARREST… Suddenly, Chris Hemworth lands violently on top of the jet WHILE POSING (presumably for a Men’s magazine!) He grabs Tom and take him to SUPERMAN’S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE!
(as if crying) Brother, don’t do this.
What? Being a villain?
(as if crying still) Yes, but particularly
being a LAME villain! Listen….
Suddenly, IRON DOWNEY, JR. grabs Chris and a threesome battle ensued.
(as if crying as always) Let us show the audience
why we are shown as fighting in the trailer!!!
He HAMMERS the shield of Chris which, finally, ABSORBS what it’s supposed to absorb – VIBRATION!
(as if crying as always) OK, if you can absorb that,
perhaps Iron Downey, Jr. cannot absorb my lightning.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR CHRIS, the Iron suit absorbs the lighting shock AND IT EVEN CHARGES THE SUIT UP so that it inexplicably RELEASES A LIGHTNING POWER!!!
(as if crying as always) Is being a god
a big disadvantage in this movie?
Cut to the CGI headquarters.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
OK, now that you’re complete, let’s get into
the real action scenes, namely fighting CGI monsters.
We’re not quite complete yet, Jeremy Renner anyone?
To introduce himself, Jeremy Renner shoots an exploding arrow at the CGI headqurters
WHO was that guy? I never thought that
ROBIN HOOD is an AVENGER!
THAT IS HAWKEYE because, you know
he has eyes… Hawks have eyes right?
Suddenly, Tom Hiddleston kills Clark Gregg by using his TELEPORTING POWERS.
It’s OK, I never even thought that I will be in this
movie anyway. (dies)
Seriously, why am I only allowed to use my
teleporting power when I’m fighting a POWERLESS
As an act of redemption, Clark Gregg shoots Tom with a Laser Gun AND HE DIES again.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now that Clark is dead, you should care and work together
as a team!
Fine. Another lame excuse for working together
but let’s just get to it, shall we? And while we’re at it
let’s call ourselves AVENGERS for no particular reason.
Suddenly, some old dude from the THOR movie opens a hole in the sky where soldiers from Planet of the Apes descend. Also, there is a rejected transformer ROBO-WORM accompanying them.
OK, let’s all have an awesome fighting sequence
against these CGIs and to do that we need our very own
CGI monster – HULK, SMASH!!!
CGI MARK RUFFALO
Suddenly, HULK can recognize my teammates
and even takes command from a TALKING FLAG!
HULK SMASH CGIs, THOR and LOKI like a rag doll!
WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED to use my teleporting
power against the HULK!!!!
ALSO, HULK WILL SAVE IRON DOWNY, JR and yells at him so that he will regain consciousness and to the delight of the audience.
Yey, we won surprising no one!
POST CREDIT SCENE: THANOS indicating that there is another sequel.
More abridge script here