Michael, This Was So Not Better Than Armageddon

Warning: Keep toys with detachable parts away from Michael Bay, he may choke on them. Although, on second thought . . .

Just to give you an idea of how much trouble we were in from the start, here’s some trivia to mull over. Originally, Michael Bay did not even want the Transformers to speak because he thought they sounded ridiculous. He then changed his mind, because he did not want to alienate the fan base. In fact, right at the start he turned down the opportunity to direct Transformers because, and I quote, it would be a “stupid toy movie.” He’d said that about the Indiana Jones series as well, way back in the 80s, and refused to direct it.

Well, I’ve said this before, and am now patiently waiting for a philanthropist with a gun to take note: please put Michael Bay out of our misery (after he’s beaten unconscious by crazed twenty-somethings wielding those “stupid toys,” of course). And do a little damage to the person who offered the job to him, while you’re at it. Man, did Indiana Jones have a narrow escape . . .

Allow me to explain. Bay has consistently displayed a most singular capacity for mediocrity over the years. Having directed movies such as Pearl Harbour, Armageddon and The Rock, amongst others, he is now a danger to the nostalgia of young men and women the world over, particularly with this latest ‘blockbuster’ of staggeringly mishandled proportions. It wasn’t enough for him to have a perfect story, with tremendous potential for a cinematic socks-off about giant robots, and all the wonders of digital wizardry handed to him on a plate. Instead, he had to put it in a blender with – wait for it – the FBI, the US army and air force, Sam’s (the main character, played by Shia LaBeouf) dad’s obsession with the lawn, eBay, arctic explorers, piss jokes, masturbation references, hackers eating doughnuts (I could go on, but I’ll stop here) and then hit the “Completely Fail All Expectations” button. Was this bad? Yes, Michael, it was very bad.

Perhaps if the Autobots’ transforming had been shown in as great detail as Megan Fox’s bared midriff, it might have been worth the wait. But the shots of the Transformers themselves are way too up close and personal, and the transformations themselves were a blur (where the heck was everyone’s favourite fast-talking transformer, Blur, by the way?) without any convincing detail and I found myself wanting to sit about half a mile away just so I could see what was going on.

Some scenes with the Transformers are just ridiculous. Take, for example, the scene where they’re bumbling about, hiding from Sam’s parents, or when the Autobot, Ironhide, opens his ‘fuel tank’ on to the ‘bad’ human. Oh Bay, you made a funny. Also, I am an emotionally deficient, beer-guzzling middle-aged American male lacking intellect. Wait, that’s you… (That scene also happened to be completely irrelevant, just like almost everything else the Autobots do in the movie.)

They’re not supposed to be goofy comics, damn it, they’re the most awesome Decepticon-fighting, earth-saving, matrix-protecting Transformers out there! Why does Bumblebee want Mikaela (Megan Fox) and the dork to make out in his backseat? Does he like hot, panting, leaking humans inside him? And that puppy-dog whimper when he is caught by US security forces is simply nauseating. And why, for the love of all that is sane, does he hand over the Allspark to Sam? It would have been much safer with himself, a hulking mass of metal and guns no? Bay strikes back with Plot Twist as Explained to Six Year Old.

And then, Optimus should be leading the action, not trying to catch up to it.. He’s the Man! The big boss! Why, O why Sandy, did the Autobots keep waiting on the humans to start everything? Bay thought a movie about the Transformers should have the US military fighting the Decepticons, with the Autobots helping, instead of the other way around. None of this makes any sense, whichever way you look at it.

And the Decepticons themselves, like the Autobots, were extremely one-dimensional and were failed in every way by Bay. The first and practically only words out of Megatron’s mouth were “You have failed me, Starscream!” (And Starscream conveniently jumps up out of complete obscurity in order for Megatron to make sense.)

The soundtrack is as mainstream and mediocre as Bay is. Linkin Park, HIM (who occupy the “Love Metal” genre by the way) and the Goo Goo Dolls: if Barbie’s subconscious had a dark side, and that dark side had a soundtrack, then it would play the entire repertoires of these three bands whilst smothered in ginormous quantities of pink candy floss.

To be fair, the movie itself does have three redeeming qualities. One, Optimus Prime was voiced by Peter Cullen, true to the original series; it was great to hear that familiar, I’m-the-greatest-Transformer-ever voice, which makes Optimus who he is. The second is the extremely decent computer generated graphics, which make for seamless (albeit badly focused) visuals. The third is . . . well, predictably, it’s Optimus again. “Autobots, transform and roll out!” Classic.

Even with the intent of making a trilogy of it (parts two and three already have entries in IMDB), this first part could (and should) have been done better in terms of showing more of the actual Transformers, developing their characters and history, and allowing them to star in their own very real story. As it is, the plot revolved around Sam being the dork who lands a hot girl and has an adventure. When you’re calling the movie “Transformers,” and it’s based on the Transformers cartoons and toys, then it should be about the Transformers! It should be about a world where the Transformers are believable characters, rather than tacking them onto a human story.

So to tranquilly sum up – the future of the Transformers has been ruined forever. This is because Michael Bay is in charge of the second and third parts in the Transformers Trilogy. Any sympathetic armed and legged humanitarians out there: please hunt him down and do universal justice. And now, Autobots – transform and roll out!